Monday, May 9, 2011

this is me.

i just found this in my edit posts from a while back, i dont know why i didn't ever post this. maybe i forgot. but i just thought i would share this with you now. this is me.
"the other night, my momma & I were talking about things. mainly I was doing the talking and she was listening. I don't cry a lot, so when I do, you know something is up. I started crying about all kinds of different things, you know that "ugly cry"... Well it had hit me. Throughout all of my tears & talking about stuff, momma said "I just don't understand why you don't think you are good enough. it's like you lost so much confidence in yourself."

When I was in the first grade, I was told I had ADHD. They put me on medicine for it, but I refused to be tutored. Yes, I was stubborn. Sometimes I wouldn't even take the pills, which is a big reason why I'm not a big person on taking pills now. I was embarrassed and as a kid you wanna seem normal. So all throughout my elementary school days, I was the kid who'd day dreamed. My grades weren't the best.
As I went to junior high, I failed the 7th grade. I almost came close to going to a different school. I didn't want to face my classmates and get laughed at the next fall. I lost confidence in myself.
My parents told me I needed find something I was good at. I loved singing, and I was really good at it. So I sang in the choir at church & school, were in a few singing contests and placed. I finally started building my confidence back up.
As I went into high school, I was on the track team. Another thing I was great at, running. I loved track because when your running, it's just you. No worrying about someone not doing there part and it taught me how to depend on myself.
Not only did I do track, I was in pageants, made dance team & cheerleading. I loved every minute of all of it.
One thing I never did in high school, I didn't date. Never had a boyfriend. I never really thought I was pretty, nor did I think I was good enough to date a cute guy. So I kept to myself. I didn't wanna chance being embarrassed or broken hearted.
I didn't have boyfriends until college, and that's only been 3.
I just never have thought of myself "good enough" & i never thought i "needed" a boyfriend.

Getting older has taught me things. I have been finding myself and figuring out what's best for me. some days though, I'm still that first grader or 7th grader, who lost all of her confidence because of what somebody said to me or reality hits me in the face. When it gets to that point in my day, I know God is there to pick me back up again. He gives me family & friends to love on me all the time.
"I promise you that He still cares. The pain ain't gonna last forever & things can only get better. This is gonna make you stronger"

And He gives me reminders all the time.

"You are a beautiful, sweet, genuine girl and there is someone out there for you who deserves you and won't break your heart!"

Don't get this blog wrong... I'm not trying make you feel sad for me or anything. Just me writing and I want to encourage others, that whatever you're going through that God has so many plans for you and you are never alone in this life.

He looks at us and He loves us. No matter what. :)"
God is so gracious. He is more than enough. He is always there to pick you up. again & again, He never leaves you. He will always LOVE you. :)


Thursday, May 5, 2011

after a while.

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.